[So he had known. Or at least, that's what it seems like. That Naoya had known of other choices, other paths he could have taken that wouldn't have led to the loss of his humanity.
No, he doesn't want blood on his hands. He never did. That's why despite all the raging and roaring inside of him, he'd resisted that call. The call of how easy and simple it would have been to have just slaughtered everyone in his way. To make a show of his power so forcefully that none would have dare go against him, all while making the Angels realize how futile it was to hide behind humans.
There must be some world now, in which he had done that. There's too many choices, too many butterfly effects now for him to not think about that. How in one world maybe his loss of humanity had been a loss of everything.
How maybe it was right for Yuzu and Midori to have run away, to turn away and not get involved any further. As far as he knows, it had been a literal knifes edge now, separating him from the monster they had been worried he'd become.
The monster he was still capable of being.]
I won't run away from the choice I made, and I won't regret letting you use me as your pawn.
[Just so This Naoya knows.]
But if I had more time, maybe I might have been able to figure something else out. Maybe I could have kept my humanity intact. If you had just told me earlier what was going on...
... I couldn't - couldn't risk you freaking out. Couldn't risk you not believing me. I couldn't risk you going off and telling others. And I couldn't risk you not being where you needed to be. Even in the Lockdown, there were things I couldn't have told you until it was time.
And... there were things I never wanted you to have to know. I never wanted you to know all of my history. I never truly wanted you to know all of your soul's history. Maybe you deserved to know. You probably did. But I never wanted -
[He turns his head away and looks at the floor, gripping the fabric of his pants and letting out a sigh.]
You remember when I would be in the hospital for terrible headaches, yes? And your parents would be so worried. And I kept telling them that I was fine, that they shouldn't worry about me, that I didn't want to make them upset and I didn't want to make you upset? ... I meant it. As much as I've used you and them, as much as I've hid and kept secrets, and as selfish a bastard as I know I am -
[He takes a deep breath, rocking slightly. Is he really going to say this? ... Kazuya's worked it into their contract that he can't hide things anymore. He has to be honest. And so he's going to be. Painfully so.]
- I've never wanted to hurt you. I've never wanted you to get hurt. I've never wanted you to die. I can't stand seeing you die. And maybe... and maybe part of me hopes that if - if there's no way for me to die permanently, then I just don't want to be alone.
Fuck.
[He presses an arm to his face, trying to hold the tears back. It's not working so well. His shoulders shake. He didn't intend to turn this information sharing session into a feelings dump but here we are.]
["Couldn't risk" this, "Couldn't risk" that. It's all about Naoya, isn't it? Naoya and his inability to trust. Trust that Kazuya, who had once toddled after him, hung onto every word his cousin had said, would have listened. Maybe not understood at the time, he'll give him that much, but considering how loyal he had been for so long. Had still been loyal, despite everything...
It's not good enough. It was selfish, and Kazuya understands that. Has always understood that. Naoya says he never wanted to hurt him, but surely he knew that it was a natural consequence of his own desires.
His hands move, gripping into the fabric of the couch tighter. He still wants to lash out, to destroy. To revel. To consume and leave nothing. He can't do that here.]
You could have done anything before the lock down. You could have told me during the lock down. You could have helped us, and instead you sat on your hands and watched as we struggled and almost died. Maybe you knew I'd survive no matter what, but you could have helped. Even if you had only told me on that first day, I would have believed you.
[He scrubs his face and takes a deep breath. He has to hold it together. He needs to get his point across - this wasn't his fight. This wasn't his choice.]
What would you have had me do? Join your little band of friends and led you along? Don't forget that as much as you were being watched, you weren't the only one. You think the angels really let me out of their sight? I could only do what I did because their grasp on the technology of man is... limited.
[Sure, they have human agents who are better with it, but he's never seen an angel use a cellphone.]
... Besides, as much as I wanted to lead you in the right direction, this wasn't my choice to force you into. As much as I think the Kazuya of my timeline made the absolute worst choice, it wasn't my choice to make. I could have given you all of the information in the world, told you about all of the worst things Yehowah and His angels have done - and if you had chosen to follow Him anyway, that would be that.
From Abel's birth to the birth of Kazuya with part of Abel, it's never been my choice. I've never had a choice. In anything.
You're being stupid. My decision to make or not, I did what I did with the information I had available to me. You could have helped that. If it was really my choice then you would have told me everything right from the get go and made that clear.
[But he didn't. So in some small way, maybe His Kazuya's choice reflected that. To have sided with the Angels because of what Naoya had hid from him, purposefully at that.
Part of him will think that, then. That his choice to go against this Naoya was that of his own making, and maybe that makes sense. Why would you trust someone who doesn't seem to care enough to trust you?]
You say I had a choice, but what choice did I have, Naoya? From the look of things it was either become a monster and go along with your plan and hope that what I was making was the right choice, go against you and seemingly fix nothing, or make even more trouble by handing off demons to the government. The same government that wants me dead, no less. I had less than seven days to make a decision. You had 17 years to tell me literally anything, and you didn't. Even when we needed you because all of us trusted you.
And what choice did I have? What choice do you think I still have? Do you think I want to watch you turn into a demon or - or something else - or put you in -
[He growls in frustration, fingers digging further into his clothing. He's going to tear a hole in them at this irate.]
... Maybe you're right in that I could have told you more. I wasn't sure if you were ready. I wasn't sure if you would trust me. I wasn't sure if you were strong enough. Honestly while I had hoped you would survive I wasn't entirely sure and I had to be prepared to change plans if you didn't.
[That... would have been worst case scenario. Not quite game over, but close. Definitely headed towards demonic post-apocalyptic hellscape.]
And while I know you'll say 'then you should have helped us' there were people to keep an eye on in the background. ... For example, do you honestly think that Harusawa only tried something foolish once? Her guardian wasn't always able to keep an eye on her. And even besides that, there were people to save. ... Takagi's little reign of terror was fairly disruptive, as well as doing my best to steer people away from Komaki where I could.
[For someone who lived so eternally, he can't believe what he's hearing. That Naoya was a coward. That he was afraid of something like Kazuya not believing him.
It's nonsense, and Kazuya stands suddenly.]
Even if I hadn't believed you, even if none of us had, then at least you still would have told us something. You could have done anything, even sent a message through the COMP when it was night. I didn't even know if you were safe most of that time!
... What is it that you want me to say, Kazuya? Apologizing won't fix anything, and you know I won't in any case. Reason and excuse both seem to fall on deaf ears. And humor has no place here. So what is it that you want?
[He looks up at his cousin, his brother, with a fairly neutral expression. He's not sure what the other expects him to do at this point. The past is the past. And no matter how much one wishes to change it - and oh, how he has - they can't.]
I know you won't hurt me, but right now you're at risk of hurting someone else. So what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?
[He's not afraid. He's actually rather calm in the face of this demon - but he can tell that his brother isn't going to last too long without some kind of release.]
[This Naoya.... Hasn't done anything wrong. He's taking his frustrations out on someone who isn't technically culpable for the route he'd taken. It's unfair. It's unfair to him, and it's unfair to Naoya.
So. What? What does he want out of this? Naoya can't fix anything, and does any of this really matter anyway when it's not them, just their dreamselves? And who's that they'll even remember any of this?]
[He's... concerned as to what Kazuya's going to do to let off steam, but it's not any of his business. As long as no one gets hurt due to his own direct actions it's not Naoya's responsibility. He really doesn't care all that much. ... With the majority of people, anyway - but the people he does care about he's pretty sure Kazuya largely wouldn't touch anyway.]
... I'll have your laundry done by the time you return so you won't have to worry about it.
[And it gives him something mindless to focus on, too.]
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(no subject)
No, he doesn't want blood on his hands. He never did. That's why despite all the raging and roaring inside of him, he'd resisted that call. The call of how easy and simple it would have been to have just slaughtered everyone in his way. To make a show of his power so forcefully that none would have dare go against him, all while making the Angels realize how futile it was to hide behind humans.
There must be some world now, in which he had done that. There's too many choices, too many butterfly effects now for him to not think about that. How in one world maybe his loss of humanity had been a loss of everything.
How maybe it was right for Yuzu and Midori to have run away, to turn away and not get involved any further. As far as he knows, it had been a literal knifes edge now, separating him from the monster they had been worried he'd become.
The monster he was still capable of being.]
I won't run away from the choice I made, and I won't regret letting you use me as your pawn.
[Just so This Naoya knows.]
But if I had more time, maybe I might have been able to figure something else out. Maybe I could have kept my humanity intact. If you had just told me earlier what was going on...
(no subject)
... I couldn't - couldn't risk you freaking out. Couldn't risk you not believing me. I couldn't risk you going off and telling others. And I couldn't risk you not being where you needed to be. Even in the Lockdown, there were things I couldn't have told you until it was time.
And... there were things I never wanted you to have to know. I never wanted you to know all of my history. I never truly wanted you to know all of your soul's history. Maybe you deserved to know. You probably did. But I never wanted -
[He turns his head away and looks at the floor, gripping the fabric of his pants and letting out a sigh.]
You remember when I would be in the hospital for terrible headaches, yes? And your parents would be so worried. And I kept telling them that I was fine, that they shouldn't worry about me, that I didn't want to make them upset and I didn't want to make you upset? ... I meant it. As much as I've used you and them, as much as I've hid and kept secrets, and as selfish a bastard as I know I am -
[He takes a deep breath, rocking slightly. Is he really going to say this? ... Kazuya's worked it into their contract that he can't hide things anymore. He has to be honest. And so he's going to be. Painfully so.]
- I've never wanted to hurt you. I've never wanted you to get hurt. I've never wanted you to die. I can't stand seeing you die. And maybe... and maybe part of me hopes that if - if there's no way for me to die permanently, then I just don't want to be alone.
Fuck.
[He presses an arm to his face, trying to hold the tears back. It's not working so well. His shoulders shake. He didn't intend to turn this information sharing session into a feelings dump but here we are.]
(no subject)
It's not good enough. It was selfish, and Kazuya understands that. Has always understood that. Naoya says he never wanted to hurt him, but surely he knew that it was a natural consequence of his own desires.
His hands move, gripping into the fabric of the couch tighter. He still wants to lash out, to destroy. To revel. To consume and leave nothing. He can't do that here.]
You could have done anything before the lock down. You could have told me during the lock down. You could have helped us, and instead you sat on your hands and watched as we struggled and almost died. Maybe you knew I'd survive no matter what, but you could have helped. Even if you had only told me on that first day, I would have believed you.
(no subject)
What would you have had me do? Join your little band of friends and led you along? Don't forget that as much as you were being watched, you weren't the only one. You think the angels really let me out of their sight? I could only do what I did because their grasp on the technology of man is... limited.
[Sure, they have human agents who are better with it, but he's never seen an angel use a cellphone.]
... Besides, as much as I wanted to lead you in the right direction, this wasn't my choice to force you into. As much as I think the Kazuya of my timeline made the absolute worst choice, it wasn't my choice to make. I could have given you all of the information in the world, told you about all of the worst things Yehowah and His angels have done - and if you had chosen to follow Him anyway, that would be that.
From Abel's birth to the birth of Kazuya with part of Abel, it's never been my choice. I've never had a choice. In anything.
(no subject)
[But he didn't. So in some small way, maybe His Kazuya's choice reflected that. To have sided with the Angels because of what Naoya had hid from him, purposefully at that.
Part of him will think that, then. That his choice to go against this Naoya was that of his own making, and maybe that makes sense. Why would you trust someone who doesn't seem to care enough to trust you?]
You say I had a choice, but what choice did I have, Naoya? From the look of things it was either become a monster and go along with your plan and hope that what I was making was the right choice, go against you and seemingly fix nothing, or make even more trouble by handing off demons to the government. The same government that wants me dead, no less. I had less than seven days to make a decision. You had 17 years to tell me literally anything, and you didn't. Even when we needed you because all of us trusted you.
cw: suicide mention
[He growls in frustration, fingers digging further into his clothing. He's going to tear a hole in them at this irate.]
... Maybe you're right in that I could have told you more. I wasn't sure if you were ready. I wasn't sure if you would trust me. I wasn't sure if you were strong enough. Honestly while I had hoped you would survive I wasn't entirely sure and I had to be prepared to change plans if you didn't.
[That... would have been worst case scenario. Not quite game over, but close. Definitely headed towards demonic post-apocalyptic hellscape.]
And while I know you'll say 'then you should have helped us' there were people to keep an eye on in the background. ... For example, do you honestly think that Harusawa only tried something foolish once? Her guardian wasn't always able to keep an eye on her. And even besides that, there were people to save. ... Takagi's little reign of terror was fairly disruptive, as well as doing my best to steer people away from Komaki where I could.
You weren't the only one with a packed schedule.
(no subject)
[For someone who lived so eternally, he can't believe what he's hearing. That Naoya was a coward. That he was afraid of something like Kazuya not believing him.
It's nonsense, and Kazuya stands suddenly.]
Even if I hadn't believed you, even if none of us had, then at least you still would have told us something. You could have done anything, even sent a message through the COMP when it was night. I didn't even know if you were safe most of that time!
(no subject)
[He looks up at his cousin, his brother, with a fairly neutral expression. He's not sure what the other expects him to do at this point. The past is the past. And no matter how much one wishes to change it - and oh, how he has - they can't.]
I know you won't hurt me, but right now you're at risk of hurting someone else. So what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do?
[He's not afraid. He's actually rather calm in the face of this demon - but he can tell that his brother isn't going to last too long without some kind of release.]
(no subject)
[This Naoya.... Hasn't done anything wrong. He's taking his frustrations out on someone who isn't technically culpable for the route he'd taken. It's unfair. It's unfair to him, and it's unfair to Naoya.
So. What? What does he want out of this? Naoya can't fix anything, and does any of this really matter anyway when it's not them, just their dreamselves? And who's that they'll even remember any of this?]
I'm going to go let off some steam.
[Which is to say, he's leaving.]
(no subject)
[He's... concerned as to what Kazuya's going to do to let off steam, but it's not any of his business. As long as no one gets hurt due to his own direct actions it's not Naoya's responsibility. He really doesn't care all that much. ... With the majority of people, anyway - but the people he does care about he's pretty sure Kazuya largely wouldn't touch anyway.]
... I'll have your laundry done by the time you return so you won't have to worry about it.
[And it gives him something mindless to focus on, too.]