[Well, he's no longer sore anymore, and his magic reserves have mostly stabilized. Mostly, considering between his big fit out in the desert blowing up the animals and the area (that he wouldn't call a fit), and constantly summoning demons that could heal the refugees, it made sense that he had been running somewhere a little less than empty.
And it's not something he's particularly used to. But again, he's mostly back to baseline.
Not that it doesn't mean he wont drape himself on Naoya as he works like some sort of needy child.]
You need to get the summoning server back up and running here.
[It was so much easier to summon demons from a COMP than to use his own power...]
[He's scribbling in his notebook, trying to determine how dream emotion and waking emotion might be similar or different when he's interrupted by Kazuya.]
[He sighs and sets his pen down, looking at him sidelong and rolling his eyes.]
Overextended yourself, did you? ... Given that you're here, it's not an impossible thing...
[ On a day like today... Kazuya is far, far from home. If only so he doesn't have to be physically present for Naoya's ire. When he finally works up the nerve to actually open up about something pretty serious... ]
Josh knows I'm the King of Demons, just so you know.
[ No lead up, no hey, how are you doing, nothing.
Surely Naoya will appreciate him not mincing words?]
I mean, it came pretty close. Not to assimilation, but I think I was honestly just going to eat him, soul and all.
And who exactly would this person we can trust be? You know I'm not exactly keen on having more people involved than necessary, and Joshua is the only other one who knows and is trustworthy.
And I'm not sure how much I really want to try and do that again. Even in a better state of mind.
I know. It's too complicated to get most anyone to understand. I'll have to talk to him and see if he has any ideas.
He's a smart man, even if he doesn't have the full context. And he's skilled with magic as well, so maybe he can see things from a different perspective.
You're going to have to learn to control yourself eventually. Not that you normally can't, but you will be hungry again.
[Kazuya has been pacing. Kazuya has been pacing and near irritable for almost an entire month now. And it's something that's gotten worse and worse as time has gone on since the festival. It can't be helped! There's a lot to think about. A lot to go over. And a lot to consider.
He'd never change his decision, that much is true, but he can't help but think of the what if scenarios now. Before he'd only known about his own choice in siding with Naoya, and the choice another him had made wherein he'd become the Messiah.
And now a third one. Neither, a path that would have let him keep his humanity, keep a relatively normal life at the end of things, though he's also been pouring over that too, thinking of the catastrophe's that would undoubtedly happen to the world where the government which had locked them in as sacrificial lambs had control of the demons.
It's not good. It's not pretty either, and he sits on the couch, fingers clenched tight into the fabric of it as dark flames lick up his arms. They're not harming the fabric, so it's clear Kazuya is still retaining some control of his emotions, even if they're running hot at this point.
He'd made the best decision he could have with the information that had been presented to him. But had he missed something? What if there had been a way to resolve everything and still remain himself?
It's thought's like that that have been weighing heavily on his mind, and in a moment of unbridled anger and rage, Kazuya lashes out, swiping everything off the coffee table in front of him in a brutish motion before covering his face again.]
[Naoya pokes his head into the living room from the kitchen, his expression bored. He's watched as Kazuya's gotten more and more irritated - and he's got a good guess why. Atsuro introducing new information into the mix and then disappearing.]
[Not only had he lost his friend, but he'd been informed of a 'safe' choice. But that choice wouldn't have ended God's tyranny, now would it have? So what kind of choice was it, really? He still would have been watched by Metatron...]
[The mug sits sadly on the floor, mercifully unbroken. It's got a new chip in it, but it's still usable. The books lay scattered around the table. Naoya comes into the room and picks them up, replacing them on the table before putting a hand on Kazuya's head as if he's not on fire and bristling.]
[The reaction is immediate the moment Naoya's hand connects with the top of his head: He's swatted off. Forcefully, and in this moment while Kazuya would like it to hurt, the binds of their contract make that much impossible.
So it's done with enough roughness as he can manage.]
[There's the part of him that wants to yell, to get more upset, to throw things and be destructive because that seems to be one of the few ways he can actually manage to soothe his wayward emotions these days.
But he can't. Not at Naoya.]
Did you know? That other options would have worked out?
[Because... Naoya seems to have a knack to know most things. He'd known that he would have been trapped in Tokyo with Atsuro and Yuzu. He knew that they would survive. These are things Kazuya knows that Naoya knows.
But it also feels unfair, in a way. To lash out at this Naoya, who hadn't technically done anything to him. Hadn't lied or obfuscated things that needed to happen.
It's his Naoya who is the culprit. Who hadn't told him how much he would have needed to lose to achieve what he needed to do.
Then again, the only thing really separating This Naoya and his own Naoya was the choice that he himself made, wasn't it?]
[He laces his fingers together, just staring Kazuya down. Does he want to know? Would it make him feel better or worse to know? And how much to tell him? ... There were few things he didn't know, but despite his network of information the power had been out in the Yamanote Circle so he'd had limited ability to spy on things via hacking.]
[So to answer the question... it's complicated.]
There were a few other options I could have thought of. None of them were ones I thought you'd like. You could have run away, of course - forced your way through the tunnel. But then the government would have been forced to kill everyone inside the Lockdown, and I didn't imagine you'd want blood on your hands.
You could have been absorbed by another demon, but I imagined you wouldn't like that either - nor would I, for multiple reasons.
... To be quite honest, the idea of handing over control of the demons to the government seems like a ridiculously foolish and stupid idea to me, so it's not one that ever crossed my mind. I didn't imagine you reaching the server without pledging your allegiance to some sort of otherworldly force. I... suppose I underestimated you.
[He'll admit that much to Kazuya. But just Kazuya. ... A thought occurs to him. Hm.]
I wonder... if Atsuro could take control of the server... perhaps he could have sent them all back. That... would have solved the issue as well while preserving... hm. But then He would still be an issue.
[So it solves Kazuya's problem, but not his own. ... So it solves no problems in the end, and he's back to square one with no further plans.]
[So he had known. Or at least, that's what it seems like. That Naoya had known of other choices, other paths he could have taken that wouldn't have led to the loss of his humanity.
No, he doesn't want blood on his hands. He never did. That's why despite all the raging and roaring inside of him, he'd resisted that call. The call of how easy and simple it would have been to have just slaughtered everyone in his way. To make a show of his power so forcefully that none would have dare go against him, all while making the Angels realize how futile it was to hide behind humans.
There must be some world now, in which he had done that. There's too many choices, too many butterfly effects now for him to not think about that. How in one world maybe his loss of humanity had been a loss of everything.
How maybe it was right for Yuzu and Midori to have run away, to turn away and not get involved any further. As far as he knows, it had been a literal knifes edge now, separating him from the monster they had been worried he'd become.
The monster he was still capable of being.]
I won't run away from the choice I made, and I won't regret letting you use me as your pawn.
[Just so This Naoya knows.]
But if I had more time, maybe I might have been able to figure something else out. Maybe I could have kept my humanity intact. If you had just told me earlier what was going on...
... I couldn't - couldn't risk you freaking out. Couldn't risk you not believing me. I couldn't risk you going off and telling others. And I couldn't risk you not being where you needed to be. Even in the Lockdown, there were things I couldn't have told you until it was time.
And... there were things I never wanted you to have to know. I never wanted you to know all of my history. I never truly wanted you to know all of your soul's history. Maybe you deserved to know. You probably did. But I never wanted -
[He turns his head away and looks at the floor, gripping the fabric of his pants and letting out a sigh.]
You remember when I would be in the hospital for terrible headaches, yes? And your parents would be so worried. And I kept telling them that I was fine, that they shouldn't worry about me, that I didn't want to make them upset and I didn't want to make you upset? ... I meant it. As much as I've used you and them, as much as I've hid and kept secrets, and as selfish a bastard as I know I am -
[He takes a deep breath, rocking slightly. Is he really going to say this? ... Kazuya's worked it into their contract that he can't hide things anymore. He has to be honest. And so he's going to be. Painfully so.]
- I've never wanted to hurt you. I've never wanted you to get hurt. I've never wanted you to die. I can't stand seeing you die. And maybe... and maybe part of me hopes that if - if there's no way for me to die permanently, then I just don't want to be alone.
Fuck.
[He presses an arm to his face, trying to hold the tears back. It's not working so well. His shoulders shake. He didn't intend to turn this information sharing session into a feelings dump but here we are.]
sometime post into the city; action
And it's not something he's particularly used to. But again, he's mostly back to baseline.
Not that it doesn't mean he wont drape himself on Naoya as he works like some sort of needy child.]
You need to get the summoning server back up and running here.
[It was so much easier to summon demons from a COMP than to use his own power...]
(no subject)
[He sighs and sets his pen down, looking at him sidelong and rolling his eyes.]
Overextended yourself, did you? ... Given that you're here, it's not an impossible thing...
(no subject)
[He says weak, as if he's not still well above average when it comes to a human. Especially when it comes to magical capabilities.
He rests his chin on the top of Naoya's head.]
(no subject)
[He nudges the other and pulls his head away a little bit.]
How do you think I feel, compared to you?
(no subject)
He gives Naoya a dirty look.]
Normal? [He doesn't know. It's kind of easy to forget how far he's come from being a normal, regular teen.]
(no subject)
But yes, more or less normal. You only feel weak because you had a further power gap to be dragged through.
(no subject)
[It feels a bit silly, to ever consider Naoya as weak in any way. Even if it's in comparison to himself as he is now.]
I still rely on you, after all.
(no subject)
... There aren't even computers here for me to rebuild the Demon Summoning Program with, anyway.
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[It seems like it'd work, but he just doesn't know as much.]
Can't you at least bring back the Compendium or Auction to working order?
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Posted by:🔒
Josh knows I'm the King of Demons, just so you know.
[ No lead up, no hey, how are you doing, nothing.
Surely Naoya will appreciate him not mincing words?]
(no subject)
Okay.
He knows I'm cursed.
[So there.]
(no subject)
The next text comes at a terrible delay. Probably about 5-10 minutes.]
I tried to eat him.
I was kind of successful.
(no subject)
We need to find a solution that isn't eating people.
... There has to be a way in this place, filled with dreams and emotions.
(no subject)
But yeah. Not enough magnetite. I'll be good for awhile as long as I don't do anything crazy, though. He was kind of a full course meal.
(no subject)
Knowing this place there will be something crazy you have to do. We need to figure out something. I don't have enough emotional energy for you.
... We need someone else we can trust. Someone who knows this place better than us. But I don't know if any of my allies would be applicable...
(no subject)
And who exactly would this person we can trust be? You know I'm not exactly keen on having more people involved than necessary, and Joshua is the only other one who knows and is trustworthy.
And I'm not sure how much I really want to try and do that again. Even in a better state of mind.
(no subject)
He's a smart man, even if he doesn't have the full context. And he's skilled with magic as well, so maybe he can see things from a different perspective.
You're going to have to learn to control yourself eventually. Not that you normally can't, but you will be hungry again.
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Posted by:action;
He'd never change his decision, that much is true, but he can't help but think of the what if scenarios now. Before he'd only known about his own choice in siding with Naoya, and the choice another him had made wherein he'd become the Messiah.
And now a third one. Neither, a path that would have let him keep his humanity, keep a relatively normal life at the end of things, though he's also been pouring over that too, thinking of the catastrophe's that would undoubtedly happen to the world where the government which had locked them in as sacrificial lambs had control of the demons.
It's not good. It's not pretty either, and he sits on the couch, fingers clenched tight into the fabric of it as dark flames lick up his arms. They're not harming the fabric, so it's clear Kazuya is still retaining some control of his emotions, even if they're running hot at this point.
He'd made the best decision he could have with the information that had been presented to him. But had he missed something? What if there had been a way to resolve everything and still remain himself?
It's thought's like that that have been weighing heavily on his mind, and in a moment of unbridled anger and rage, Kazuya lashes out, swiping everything off the coffee table in front of him in a brutish motion before covering his face again.]
(no subject)
[Naoya pokes his head into the living room from the kitchen, his expression bored. He's watched as Kazuya's gotten more and more irritated - and he's got a good guess why. Atsuro introducing new information into the mix and then disappearing.]
[Not only had he lost his friend, but he'd been informed of a 'safe' choice. But that choice wouldn't have ended God's tyranny, now would it have? So what kind of choice was it, really? He still would have been watched by Metatron...]
[The mug sits sadly on the floor, mercifully unbroken. It's got a new chip in it, but it's still usable. The books lay scattered around the table. Naoya comes into the room and picks them up, replacing them on the table before putting a hand on Kazuya's head as if he's not on fire and bristling.]
(no subject)
So it's done with enough roughness as he can manage.]
I don't care what you like.
(no subject)
[He sits down on a chair nearby, just watching Kazuya.]
... So are you ready to talk about this, or would you like to sulk about it more?
(no subject)
But he can't. Not at Naoya.]
Did you know? That other options would have worked out?
[Because... Naoya seems to have a knack to know most things. He'd known that he would have been trapped in Tokyo with Atsuro and Yuzu. He knew that they would survive. These are things Kazuya knows that Naoya knows.
But it also feels unfair, in a way. To lash out at this Naoya, who hadn't technically done anything to him. Hadn't lied or obfuscated things that needed to happen.
It's his Naoya who is the culprit. Who hadn't told him how much he would have needed to lose to achieve what he needed to do.
Then again, the only thing really separating This Naoya and his own Naoya was the choice that he himself made, wasn't it?]
(no subject)
[So to answer the question... it's complicated.]
There were a few other options I could have thought of. None of them were ones I thought you'd like. You could have run away, of course - forced your way through the tunnel. But then the government would have been forced to kill everyone inside the Lockdown, and I didn't imagine you'd want blood on your hands.
You could have been absorbed by another demon, but I imagined you wouldn't like that either - nor would I, for multiple reasons.
... To be quite honest, the idea of handing over control of the demons to the government seems like a ridiculously foolish and stupid idea to me, so it's not one that ever crossed my mind. I didn't imagine you reaching the server without pledging your allegiance to some sort of otherworldly force. I... suppose I underestimated you.
[He'll admit that much to Kazuya. But just Kazuya. ... A thought occurs to him. Hm.]
I wonder... if Atsuro could take control of the server... perhaps he could have sent them all back. That... would have solved the issue as well while preserving... hm. But then He would still be an issue.
[So it solves Kazuya's problem, but not his own. ... So it solves no problems in the end, and he's back to square one with no further plans.]
(no subject)
No, he doesn't want blood on his hands. He never did. That's why despite all the raging and roaring inside of him, he'd resisted that call. The call of how easy and simple it would have been to have just slaughtered everyone in his way. To make a show of his power so forcefully that none would have dare go against him, all while making the Angels realize how futile it was to hide behind humans.
There must be some world now, in which he had done that. There's too many choices, too many butterfly effects now for him to not think about that. How in one world maybe his loss of humanity had been a loss of everything.
How maybe it was right for Yuzu and Midori to have run away, to turn away and not get involved any further. As far as he knows, it had been a literal knifes edge now, separating him from the monster they had been worried he'd become.
The monster he was still capable of being.]
I won't run away from the choice I made, and I won't regret letting you use me as your pawn.
[Just so This Naoya knows.]
But if I had more time, maybe I might have been able to figure something else out. Maybe I could have kept my humanity intact. If you had just told me earlier what was going on...
(no subject)
... I couldn't - couldn't risk you freaking out. Couldn't risk you not believing me. I couldn't risk you going off and telling others. And I couldn't risk you not being where you needed to be. Even in the Lockdown, there were things I couldn't have told you until it was time.
And... there were things I never wanted you to have to know. I never wanted you to know all of my history. I never truly wanted you to know all of your soul's history. Maybe you deserved to know. You probably did. But I never wanted -
[He turns his head away and looks at the floor, gripping the fabric of his pants and letting out a sigh.]
You remember when I would be in the hospital for terrible headaches, yes? And your parents would be so worried. And I kept telling them that I was fine, that they shouldn't worry about me, that I didn't want to make them upset and I didn't want to make you upset? ... I meant it. As much as I've used you and them, as much as I've hid and kept secrets, and as selfish a bastard as I know I am -
[He takes a deep breath, rocking slightly. Is he really going to say this? ... Kazuya's worked it into their contract that he can't hide things anymore. He has to be honest. And so he's going to be. Painfully so.]
- I've never wanted to hurt you. I've never wanted you to get hurt. I've never wanted you to die. I can't stand seeing you die. And maybe... and maybe part of me hopes that if - if there's no way for me to die permanently, then I just don't want to be alone.
Fuck.
[He presses an arm to his face, trying to hold the tears back. It's not working so well. His shoulders shake. He didn't intend to turn this information sharing session into a feelings dump but here we are.]
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Posted by:cw: suicide mention
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